Psychward

KEY: TW = Trigger Warning SI = Suicidal Ideation ED = Eating Disorder SSRI = Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a widely used type of antidepressant -------------------------------------------------------------------- TW: Mental Illness, mentions of Suicide, SI, EDs, & other forms of Mental Illness, Depiction of the realities of Inpatient Hospitalizations in the US... please be kind to yourself... if any of this sounds too triggering seek out another form of entertainment... -------------------------------------------------------------------- <img src="https://i.imgur.com/xerz06H.jpeg" alt="Entrance graphic reads Chapter 1: Admittance and shows drawings of a magazine, hoodies, and grippy socks" style="max-width:800px; width:100%"/> (text-style:"bold","expand")[''[[ENTER THE GAME]]''] (text-style:"underline")[About The Author/Game Developer] Claire Filipek is an educator, computer programmer, and artist who, additionally, in the span of less than 10 years has been inpatient in about 6 different mental hospitals; some more than once. For a while, Claire was ashamed of this fact. Now, Claire wants to beat the stigma and openly discuss the reality of such situations through the lens of a fictional character who also deals with bipolar disorder. -------------------------------------------------------------------- (align:"=><=")[''Help is available'' Speak with someone today ''Suicide and Crisis Lifeline'' ''988'' (Call or Text) Languages: English, Spanish Hours: Available 24 hours]

"Elizabeth North?" You hear your name being called. It has been such a long day, you almost miss it. In fact, everything feels like such a long and dreary never ending gray fog. [["Yes, that's me"]]

"Okay, great. The doctor is ready to see you now... Good luck" You look the nurse in the eyes and try to muster a smile, but that's about as much as you can do. And in the moment you realize no one here is expecting smiles. You are in a psychiatric hospital ER of all places... and for depression. Maybe if you could smile you wouldn't even be there... "Oh wait", the nurse yells after you, "here's your insurance card and ID back". Thankful to even still have insurance from your work... "oh no what's going to happen with my job?" you think. Oh well no need to worry about that right now. Right now you need to get help... "I really hope this helps. anything is better than what's going on in my head right now" you ultimately decide. [[Collect your cards from the nurse]]

"Okay Miss, here are your cards, if you are admitted these along with all your valuables: phone, wallet, keys will be taken away from you... along with any clothes without strings or that are not deemed inappropriate..." I already knew the drill. This was not my first rodeo in a psych ward... unfortunately... I mean fortunately I'm still here. That's what I'm supposed to be grateful for right? It's hard to feel grateful for anything at the moment... "Oh shoot... My favorite hoodie definitely has strings... and it's Teddy Fresh... one of my internet YouTubers/podcasters turned fashion designers... I don't want that ruined'", I think as though this... this... was my greatest concern. But honestly the distraction, away from the other horrible thoughts in my head was welcomed. "You, good?" the nurse asks. You mumble, yes, and then remember the only numbers you have memorized are your parents... and you haven't exactly been on great speaking terms recently... plus this would just worry them and maybe you don't even have to be here... [[Ask if you can see your phone one last time to write down some numbers]]

The nurse seems slightly annoyed. This interaction is definitely lasting longer than she anticipated. "You can ask the nurses if you're admitted or maybe even your social worker can help but for now, now you must talk to the psychiatrist... he's waiting for you." she spits out and turns around to walk away. Okay, so much for a call to Morgan... even though she is your closest friend, you've shut her out fully in the last few months... she would probably be the only one who would visit you anyway. Oh well. Time for a deep breath and, [[you knock on the psychiatrist's door]]

Without looking up from his paper, the psychiatrist greets you and introduces himself as Dr. Harris. You are taken aback by how cold the whole process is, no you are not seeing or hearing voices... wait... maybe... [[Tell Dr. Harris that you made a mistake and want to go home]] [[No, you're here to get better. Tell the truth]]

Dr. Harris eyes you up and down and says, "unfortunately, that is not your decision to make anymore..." "You were observed and I have enough information to place you on an involuntary 72-hour hold." "Wait... I...", you stammer. "Can I take that back, I want to be voluntary". "Yes, that's fine. I just want you to get the help you need. Let's finish the intake" ... You decide to fully fill Dr. Harris in. How you've been suicidal, ugh you hate that word, for a while now. And even had a plan. That you've been taking your medications but then everything went gray. And life just feels meaningless. Dr. Harris nods and tells you that you will be admitted tonight. Even though you've been in the ER since 1pm, he says a bed has to be set up for you. [[You return to the waiting area]]

You decide to fully fill Dr. Harris in. How you've been suicidal, ugh you hate that word, for a while now. And even had a plan. That you've been taking your medications but then everything went gray. And life just feels meaningless. Dr. Harris nods and tells you that you will be admitted tonight. Even though you've been in the ER since 1pm, he says a bed has to be set up for you. [[You return to the waiting area]]

I wish... I really wish I did not have bipolar 1 disorder. Much like bipolar 2, just with more insane swings into mania and depression... Oh joy, what fun. (that was sarcasm if you didn't catch it, ugh and now I'm talking to myself...) I've been sitting on a hospital cot that's barely cordoned off by a curtain from another person going through their own crisis. But she's much younger and with her parents... though none of them seems happy... I guess we are all in our own sh!t situations... It's just that I can hear everything about what's going on... no privacy... and no other outlets... I'm soo bored. I never thought I would miss doom-scrolling so much... All I was given was a hospital gown and light blue grippy socks. You know the kind with little lines on the bottom in a waxy material that prevents patients from falling. That's me. I finally admit to myself. I'm a patient. An impatient patient at that... 2 hours later... sometime past midnight... I tried to close my eyes even though all the lights stayed on. "Okay Miss, time to be moved," says a nurse who starts pushing my cot. [[Time to enter the ward]]

<img src="https://i.imgur.com/X7eSixp.jpeg" alt="Entrance graphic reads Chapter 2: Impatient Inpatient and shows drawings of a breakfast food tray" style="max-width:800px; width:100%"/> You are brought to a room and while it's dark you can tell there are two other beds in the room. You're too tired to even think about how miserable you feel and how scary/unsettling it is to be back in a psych ward. You have not always had the best experience in these environments. What if your roommate pours water on you in the middle of the night? (that's happened to you before unfortunately). Alas you push these thoughts out of your mind. Those are problems for [[the morning]].

Rise and shine. Just kidding. You're mentally ill remember. You seem to be sinking further and further into your new bed. What's the point in facing the day anyway... Just then a nurse walks in. "You should get up Miss" "Or they're going to think you're sicker than you really are" "How does she know how sick I am?" I think, agitated. ~~''(text-colour:blue)[Get up and face the day.]''~~ [[Stay in bed. Everything is the worst.]]

You close your eyes shut. What was it that the other quack wanted you to do that one time, "envision a quote on quote happy place"... and then you told her you saw yourself on the beach. So she told your mom you weren't depressed because you could picture yourself happy... Well today you can't even picture yourself there... so that must mean something. Boy are you in a rotten mood. That's it... it feels like you're rotting in this bed. Okay enough. Brain enough. You want to shout. Hey that's more energy than you've had in a while... Maybe it is time to [[get up]].

(text-style:"wavy-underline")[Day 1] You look instinctively at your wrist. Oh yeah... no watch... just a hospital band. You wonder what time it is. You know you missed at least one meal... not that you're especially hungry. You've been missing meals and then binging at night for a while now... hopefully you can get that at least that under control here... There must be a clock somewhere... You roll out of bed. No need to change. You're not given permission to wear anything but a hospital gown until further notice. Each hospital is different but you're guessing you have to earn the privilege of clothes here or something. Hmmm... do you think they'll let me go out to smoke (a bad habit, turned into an addiction, you gained from your first psych hospital stay: it was the only way to get outside)? No it's probably more nicotine gum or patches... You make a note to ask the doctor for these the first time you get to see your clinical team... which you hope is soon. Oh yes, the search for the clock... [[You walk to the nurses station (that's usually where it's located)]]

The nurses station is located at the end of the hall, next to a rec-room, which unlike other hospitals you've stayed in looks welcoming and according to the schedule stays open most of the day with intermittent activities happening... not that you have high hopes for these activities to A) actually exist B) be anything that is actually pertinent and/or interesting... but I guess there's always a chance. Look at me trying "Positive thinking". My DBT Therapist would be proud. If he picked up my calls anymore. We kind of went through a Therapy breakup recently if I'm being honest... and he wasn't even on my insurance so it was costing me like a month's rent each month just to feel mildly better... no, he did help me... but there's only so much he could do I think when it got this bad. I make it to the nurses station, which seems to be half-way between the women's and men's sections. That's usually how this goes. "I wonder who my roommates are", I think, passing a few other patients in the hallway. I don't even say hello... I'm on a mission. Clock -- Nicotine gum -- then maybe phone? I'll probably have plenty of time to meet these other people anyway... fingers crossed it's a positive experience. [[Approach the nurses station. And check the time.]]

''It's a quarter after 3.'' The nurse spies you spying the clock and asks if you need anything. "Can I get a welcome packet or notebook or whatever you have?," I fumble, letting the words cascade out of my mouth. "Oh, you weren't given that?" he replies, turning around and rummaging in a cabinet. "Here," he says, handing me a kelly green folder and marble notebook. "Thanks, and oh could I also get a writing utensil?" "Uh... yeah here you go" "Great, I'm all set to play golf" "What?" "Oh, just that these are golf pencils," I reply. "Yeah, uh during art they bring out more supplies" "Okay, cool... thanks." [[Time to document day 1 in your new notebook]]

You write your initials on the cover of your new notebook. I guess now you finally have the time to write... <img src="https://i.imgur.com/l0epFsX.png" alt="notebook cover with 'EN' written on it" style="max-width:800px; width:100%"/> Wow, your therapist was asking you to make lists for a while now as part of your therapy and getting back to the things you used to do... and you know what... it might be silly but it did feel like an accomplishment to cross out~~'' waking up''~~: <img src="https://i.imgur.com/FXERoYv.png" alt="notebook interior with to do list reading: wake up (crossed out), see doctor?, call mom?, take meds" style="max-width:800px; width:100%"/> Okay, so you've documented the day so far... what to do next? [[Enter the rec-room, maybe interact with others...]] [[Ask about when you'll see the doctor next.]] (text-colour:blue)[~~''Call your mom''~~]

''You enter the rec-room'' On one wall is a TV, a smart one at that... it seems as though someone logged into a Netflix account. Or maybe it's Disney+ because it seems like a Marvel movie is on. There are about 6 other patients in the room watching the movie. And one nurse in the corner half eyeing the room and half on her phone. You're not feeling Marvel right now... not that you really ever are. You scan the room. There's one other woman about your age, 4 men- ranging in ages and another woman who almost seems too young and small for the adult unit. There's a small bookshelf which mostly looks to be "reject" books. We're talking like the third book in their respective series or "Mockingjay" from the Hunger Games series... stuff like that. You wonder if you have any way to get a book that might interest you from the outside... or if there is a bigger library somewhere... Here's hoping... Well you don't want to watch this movie... so I guess it's time to get back to the "To Do" list... [[Ask about when you'll see the doctor next.]]

You return to the nurses station. Even though there are 4 nurses behind the counter, they all seem preoccupied with something... You wait for about two minutes. "Should I announce myself?," you wonder... Finally, a nurse turns to you. "How can I help?" "Oh, um do you know when I'll be able to see a doctor?" "Well... it's the weekend. They'll start rounds on Monday." Oh shit. I forgot that weekends are dead zones in these places. No doctors. And no one goes home/is discharged on a weekend day... it's just how it goes in this place. [[Ask about nicotine gum despite...]]

"Uh, so, I forgot to tell the intake psychiatrist but I'm a smoker and I'm wondering if I could possibly get nicotine gum?" "Oh, let me see. There should be a weekend doctor on call. Again they won't be your regular doctor... but maybe they can come later today or tomorrow..." And then about to turn around, she turns back and emphasizes the word: "maybe!" Okay, phew, at least I kind of sort of advocated for my needs... That felt like a lot of effort. The whole thing... truly. Maybe I'll just rest until dinner... I mean what else is there to do anyway? Notify my parents... I could ask for my phone but maybe I'll wait a bit. I feel like I've made too many asks already and it is THE WEEKEND. You peek your head in the rec-room: some eyes turn towards you, but most are still fixated on the television. It is playing a Marvel movie. (You couldn't for the life of you say which one). You feel like you're on display at the Zoo a bit and you don't like it. [[Walk back to your room]]

You enter your room. Three basic beds in a line with adjacent plastic shelving units for one's belongings. The room also boasts 2 windows. You realize you aren't even sure what floor you're currently on... from the windows you can see part of a city street. People bustling by... the world moving on... while you're stuck in one place. More than that, you couldn't join the outside world even if you wanted to. ... You would shower, but that would require energy and a trip back to the nurses station for toiletries... and a towel... and new hospital garb... and you were just there and don't want to be a bother... So instead you get back in bed. Hopefully [[someone calls you when it's dinner time]].

A nurse calls in the hallway for dinner. I guess I'll attend one meal today, you decide. You realize you don't know what to expect. You did not put in a meal order... or will they do this family serving style? You haven't eaten all day and are beginning to feel the effects. Also who will you sit with... ugh you just want to crawl into a hole and die. You walk to the dining room sitting area which you guess also doubles for a visiting room during visiting hours. These's a nurse handing out trays and telling other patients to sit and wait their turns. You can't remember but you hope you told the intake psychiatrist ''you are a vegetarian''... You go pick a random table with one woman you think who is also in your room and a man who seems really impatient for his meal and [[you sit down]].

The woman turns to you. "You, you're in my room right? What's your name?" "Oh yeah, I think so... and my name is Elizabeth. What's your name?" you ask, trying to feign energy for the conversation. "Nora, and this is Jim" she says, almost nudging the man beside her. "Oh, you come in today?" asks Jim, not leaving enough room before adding, "I get to leave on Monday and it could not come soon enough..." "Oh nice, and uh I came in really late last night." "Yeah, she woke me up!" Nora states almost yelling. Then adding, "I can't wait to be discharged..." and looks at Jim longingly. "Uh, are you feeling better?" you ask Jim. "Better? ha. All they do is dope you up here... I'll be better with a clearer head and a good walk in the forest." Then he leans in and almost whispers, "me being here is a grand mistake". And then you realize the issue with patients in a psych ward... they could be telling the complete truth and at the same time you never know if you're talking to a pathological liar or someone who has some sort of out-of-reality illness... You just find yourself nodding. Jury is still out on what camp Jim lies in. Just as you try to figure out what to say, a tray is placed in front of you. Pizza and a side salad, albeit the pizza is not hot, but you're glad it's vegetarian and it will definitely do. Nora eyes your pizza and says, "Lucky... ugh I wish I got pizza". You give your slight smile and let her know you're vegetarian and then with that you hope that [[you don't have to engage too much more this meal]].

The nurse lets you know that meds will be given out at 7pm. And then points to the right of the station and says, "there's a schedule over there for future reference. Except ignore the art slot for tomorrow. We only have one therapy activity on the weekends. And one AA group... If you're interested in that-- let me know and I'll add you to the list." "Oh, um yes you can add me to the AA list, is that one in this unit?" "AA takes place upstairs so we'd chaperone you there tomorrow evening. I'll add you to the list". ''I don't consider myself an alcoholic'', but I had not always had the best relationship with alcohol in the past... and it's something to do/a new place to go. So almost from an anthropological standpoint, I make it a choice to go when I find myself in a place like this. I mean it couldn't hurt... You look back at the clock. About 1 hour until [[med time]].

It's around 5:30pm when the meal is over. You forgot how early the night ends in a place like this... Once again you find yourself at the nurses station, this time to get some housekeeping time knowledge. You manage to catch the eye of a nurse long enough to ask, [[when do we get our night meds?]]

-------------------------------------------------------------------- ''Author's note:'' While this author has extensive knowledge of psychiatric medication... medication affects all individuals differently so no direct medication names will be used in this story. For direct medication advice please consult a trained practitioner like a psychiatrist. -------------------------------------------------------------------- You stand in line behind three other patients also waiting for medications. When it is your turn, the nurse asks to scan your wristband. Then your medications appear on the screen. All the meds you told the intake psychiatrist you take are there plus a sleep aid medication you requested. "Do you want to take the sleep aid now?" the nurse asks you. You think on it for a beat and then say yes... what do you have to stay up for anyway? You also see an anti-anxiety med was added to your list. You know it can be habit forming but also feels like it could help you in this situation... you ask the nurse if you can take that medication in addition and what dose it has been prescribed for... She tells you it's a low dose and allowed twice a day. You say you would like to take it tonight and hope you don't need it that frequently... You could call your parents or ask to see your phone for your other numbers but decide to call it a night... that can wait until tomorrow. You're starting to feel the effects of your meds and are ready to [[head to bed]].

<img src="https://i.imgur.com/p8PpiUB.jpeg" alt="Chapter 3 title card: Depression. Phone. Home." style="max-width:800px; width:100%"/> You wake up on ''day 2'' a little bit groggy. [[Walk to the nurses station for toiletries.]]

The nurse hands you travel sized shampoo, conditioner, and soap bottles. You also receive a small stick of deodorant, a mini tube of toothpaste and disposable toothbrush. She also points you in the direction of the new linens and where to dispose of your dirty hospital gown after you shower. "Oh and here's two towels". After thanking her, you walk to the nearest open bathroom opposite your room with your new bounty of toiletries and linens. You're psych ward rich, that's for sure. The shower feels so good. You forget, momentarily, where you even are and then the off-yellow tiling of the shower and poor water control brings you straight back. It doesn't help that someone has started shouting in the hallway... You're glad you're already awake... that would have been a rude awakening. You get out of the shower and [[dry off]].

You put on your old underwear and make a note to ask someone if they've had the chance to sort through the clothes you brought. It would be nice to have clean underwear... you feel lucky that you thought to bring it... even in the rush you were to get to the ER two days ago. Otherwise, you would have had to call your mom... and asked her to bring her 25-year old daughter new underwear? No thanks. Alright, you're all clothed in your new hospital garb, and [[ready for breakfast.]]

You enter the lunchroom. Since it's Sunday, according to the board by the nurses station, this room will turn into the visitation room at 2pm until roughly dinner time. There are cups of coffee scattered on a tray. You know better than to think for one second it's anything other than decaf but you gladly pick up a styrofoam cup all the same. There are also mini milk cartons next to the tray, so you are at least able to add a bit of creamer in your decaf coffee. First you're forced to quit smoking, now caffeine... on top of depression. "Bye bye" any semblance of energy I had for a while you think, hopefully my body adjusts soon... There are a few other patients milling about waiting for their breakfast trays just like you are, but the combination of the early hour and lack of caffeine deter you from really socializing. You eat your bagel in silence. Maybe you're on your way to becoming a monk you think, and it's the closest to laughing you find yourself, in spite of yourself, in a while. I guess anything is possible... you think as you grab your notebook and [[head to the day room]].